The Change in Communication (Sparked by Julia & Julie)

So I went to see Julie & Julia tonight and found it was a very interesting movie that I could slightly relate to. The part that I could relate to most in the movie was one of the main characters Julie who wanted to do something significant and interesting in her life so she decided to blog about her experiences cooking her way through Julia Child's cookbook. I have observed that since the invention of blogging, people have really tried to build themselves up slightly by trying to achieve something through blogs. I don't know what it is exactly that makes us want to share some part of ourselves over the internet and want to do it consistently. I myself have been trying hard to keep up with my blog so that I can feel a small sense of accomplishment by continuing to write in it regularly.

As human beings, we for some reason have the need to share all of ourselves over the internet when we can't even share ourselves with the person we love sitting next to us. What is it about communicating over the web that makes it more appealing than actually talking to people? Why do people want to type more than speak?

I personally am getting tired of having a 3 hour text conversation when I could have had the same convo over the phone in 15 mins. I understand that some people are more comfortable with texting because it has that cushion of time that allows a person to fully develop an answer before responding, but we aren't meant to have the perfect response to every question and although in the past I preferred texting, I am seriously getting tired of it.

I am going to simply start calling people more, and perhaps responding to texts less.

Control Me No More!

What is it about me that screams control me? Do I give off some I-want-to-be-controlled vibe? I guess I am sending off secret messages that read "Oh I don't know what I really want so I need you to tell me cause obviously you have a better clue than I do." And if so then I need to stop it. See I'm all for pleasing those around me including close friends and family, but then when pleasing them starts to interfere with pleasing myself and doing what I prefer to do, then what they want is no longer as important to me.

Lately I have been feeling like the people surrounding me are very controlling over what I do and don't do. I've noticed this before, but it never bothered me. Now it's starting to bother me because I am trying to find my own way, become more independent and less dependent on others. I have also realized that I have made myself too readily available for everyone. I have made myself into someone that can always be counted on to be there for anyone at anytime to be a psychologists, entertainer, and all-around "fulfiller" of others' needs. Now the question isn't how did I let this happen, but how do I get myself out of this.

I have basically branded myself as a "fulfiller" and have recently decided to change my product. If I do this, I may create some very disgruntled customers, then what do I do? I don't know what I am going to do to make them happy again, but I do know that I am going to continue doing what I want for the time being by fulfilling my own needs/wants first.

The whole reason for this sudden need to change "the brand" is because, like many people on there way to graduating soon, I have been thinking about what I am going to do after I graduate. I have been thinking of many possible options from remaining in Dallas to moving on the East or West coast to even living over seas. So, if I do pick an option other than moving back to Houston I am going to have plenty of people angry or expressing various other controlling emotions towards me. And that is why I am about to start changing some things now so that when I do decide to do whatever it is that I want to do with my life, it will be a lot easier for my loved ones to digest.

Day, Afternoon, & Night Repost Coming soon

I was reading the part of Afternoon from 2 posts ago to a friend and she pointed out how poetic that portion was. So, I am currently trying to turn that into a poem. However, the poem is starting to morph into something else. My only dilemma, other than writing the poem itself, is trying to control the direction it flows, or just let it go where it goes. Will post the poem as soon as its complete. Knowing me, that may be tomorrow, next week, or possibly never. Let's hope its tomorrow or next week.

I'm a Thug! (in a way)

So I am talking about my self as a thug in reference to love. From my knowledge there is no correlation between thugs and love. Thugs are mainly people that do whatever is necessary to get to where they want to be financially and successfully not caring about anything or anyone else other than family. That's me. My grind/hustle is school. I go to school and make sure that I do everything possible to succeed in it so that I can secure the prosperous future that I wish for. Other than that and family, everything else is just entertainment. Now some may ask, what is wrong with that? More people should be like that and maybe so on so forth... Well yea it seems like a good motto unless you want more like me

I want to find love, however, I'm making it a little hard on myself. In order for me to fall in love, I need to give up my so called thug mentality to get what I want, but it's hard. I am guarded for no damn reason at all other than I don't want to get hurt and end up like all the hurt, bitter, shattered people around me. When you see so many people go through so much drama and trauma behind love, you tend to tread carefully when dating. That's all find and dandy til you get to where I am now trying to figure out if I should open up or stick to my thug ways.

So here I am, little miss too-scared-to-be-hurt-but-really-wants-to-find-love sitting here wondering how do I just let go and let Ms. Love work her magic. I really need to start believing in faith and all that mystical, magical stuff that supposedly helps God help us not to make bad decisions. Its all a part of that you never know until you try theory of thinking, but again I'm a thug and don't believe in failure and love is just too risky. So, hopefully I will develop that theory of thinking sooner rather than later because I'd rather be hurt temporarily by love than permanently by loneliness.

Day, Afternoon, & Night

So, I have recently been talking to two lovely young gentlemen that have been holding my interest in 2009. I like both of them equally and have recently been referring to them as Day and Night for that is what they are; complete opposites of each other in every way but being male.

Day:
Day is light bright, unstable, and lights up my life. He is handsome and very freaky. I never take anything that Day says seriously. I basically like him because he is freaky, makes me feel wanted by someone, and makes my day everyday. However, at this present time, being with Day would not be a good idea. He is unstable and very much dependent on his parents. He is also clingy and too very uncontrollable. And overall, I think he would cause me more pain than joy. Yet I couldn't dare stop talking to him, I feel I need him. Why do I need him? Because he sends sparks through me that no one else has before. He pulls on my strings and I like it.

Night:
Night is a sexy chocolate, stable, young gentleman that constantly confuses me. He is sophisticated and reserved like me and is an obvious go-getter too. I see tons of potential with Night and would love to try a relationship with him, but being with him would mean giving up Day. Night seems sure of what he wants from me and I have a feeling that if he does not get it soon, he will leave me, and that is not a reference to sex at all. He told me today that he "can't go further with someone if I can't know them on a deeper level." Now this was referring to me sharing my thoughts about how I feel about him. This is hard for me.

So here I am, Afternoon, stuck between Day and Night. I guess this is the part where I describe me.

Afternoon:
I, Afternoon, is completely confused. I am not as bright as the Day but love the shine that the Day leaves behind for me. And on the other hand, Night provokes thoughts that are absent with Day, and wants me to do what I find hardest; sharing those thoughts. There is something in me (fear) that does not want/allow me to open up to either Day or Night in the way that they both want from me. I, Afternoon, is trying to hold on to my separation from the two rather than blending into them and letting it all flow. Then again, allowing Day to flow into me and me flow into Night could get complicated. So then what do I do? Do I choose the happy feeling of Day and hope that it will be enough to sustain me, or live completely in the Night where confusion is more common but happiness visits often?

Even though all my confusion involves these two fellas, it is all me. I need to decide whether I will open up and risk someone actually knowing me or staying in my confined little box by my got damn self.

I should be ashamed of myself...smh

My goal at the start of this year/blog was to constantly allow my creativity to flow through posting blogs every week or at least once a month. I failed. I haven't posted a blog since April and here it is 50 minutes til July. I would say I've been busy but that's a lie. The closest I was to busy was reading the Twilight Series while not doing summer school work. So, to be a good girl and get back on track, I will try to start (again) posting a blog every week. So starting tomorrow, I will post a blog about some lovely/lonely part of my life to clear my mind, heart, and spirit.

Book Review Time

I haven't had a lot of time to sit and write individual book reviews so here is one small review in one and the past couple of books I've read.

The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao - Junot Diaz - Loved it. It's a interesting story about A Dominican Republican sci-fi nerd, his family, and the curse that haunts them. A must read!!! A

The Mill on the Floss - George Elliot - eh! It's a classic Brit novel but kinda hard to get into but sort worth the read in the end. B-

Tess of D'Ubervilles - Thomas Hardy - Classic must read Brit fiction novel. Loved it! A

Ten Little Indians - Sherman Alexie - eh! Short stories, pretty funny tho C

Interpreter of Maladies - Jhumpa Lahiri - eh! Short stories, nothing special. C