I'm a Thug! (in a way)

So I am talking about my self as a thug in reference to love. From my knowledge there is no correlation between thugs and love. Thugs are mainly people that do whatever is necessary to get to where they want to be financially and successfully not caring about anything or anyone else other than family. That's me. My grind/hustle is school. I go to school and make sure that I do everything possible to succeed in it so that I can secure the prosperous future that I wish for. Other than that and family, everything else is just entertainment. Now some may ask, what is wrong with that? More people should be like that and maybe so on so forth... Well yea it seems like a good motto unless you want more like me

I want to find love, however, I'm making it a little hard on myself. In order for me to fall in love, I need to give up my so called thug mentality to get what I want, but it's hard. I am guarded for no damn reason at all other than I don't want to get hurt and end up like all the hurt, bitter, shattered people around me. When you see so many people go through so much drama and trauma behind love, you tend to tread carefully when dating. That's all find and dandy til you get to where I am now trying to figure out if I should open up or stick to my thug ways.

So here I am, little miss too-scared-to-be-hurt-but-really-wants-to-find-love sitting here wondering how do I just let go and let Ms. Love work her magic. I really need to start believing in faith and all that mystical, magical stuff that supposedly helps God help us not to make bad decisions. Its all a part of that you never know until you try theory of thinking, but again I'm a thug and don't believe in failure and love is just too risky. So, hopefully I will develop that theory of thinking sooner rather than later because I'd rather be hurt temporarily by love than permanently by loneliness.

Day, Afternoon, & Night

So, I have recently been talking to two lovely young gentlemen that have been holding my interest in 2009. I like both of them equally and have recently been referring to them as Day and Night for that is what they are; complete opposites of each other in every way but being male.

Day:
Day is light bright, unstable, and lights up my life. He is handsome and very freaky. I never take anything that Day says seriously. I basically like him because he is freaky, makes me feel wanted by someone, and makes my day everyday. However, at this present time, being with Day would not be a good idea. He is unstable and very much dependent on his parents. He is also clingy and too very uncontrollable. And overall, I think he would cause me more pain than joy. Yet I couldn't dare stop talking to him, I feel I need him. Why do I need him? Because he sends sparks through me that no one else has before. He pulls on my strings and I like it.

Night:
Night is a sexy chocolate, stable, young gentleman that constantly confuses me. He is sophisticated and reserved like me and is an obvious go-getter too. I see tons of potential with Night and would love to try a relationship with him, but being with him would mean giving up Day. Night seems sure of what he wants from me and I have a feeling that if he does not get it soon, he will leave me, and that is not a reference to sex at all. He told me today that he "can't go further with someone if I can't know them on a deeper level." Now this was referring to me sharing my thoughts about how I feel about him. This is hard for me.

So here I am, Afternoon, stuck between Day and Night. I guess this is the part where I describe me.

Afternoon:
I, Afternoon, is completely confused. I am not as bright as the Day but love the shine that the Day leaves behind for me. And on the other hand, Night provokes thoughts that are absent with Day, and wants me to do what I find hardest; sharing those thoughts. There is something in me (fear) that does not want/allow me to open up to either Day or Night in the way that they both want from me. I, Afternoon, is trying to hold on to my separation from the two rather than blending into them and letting it all flow. Then again, allowing Day to flow into me and me flow into Night could get complicated. So then what do I do? Do I choose the happy feeling of Day and hope that it will be enough to sustain me, or live completely in the Night where confusion is more common but happiness visits often?

Even though all my confusion involves these two fellas, it is all me. I need to decide whether I will open up and risk someone actually knowing me or staying in my confined little box by my got damn self.