When our friendship first started, or restarted, I only saw us as just friends. I sort of thought you were trying to holla' at me, but I didn't think too much of it. We were just friends for awhile and although my other friends kept whispering "he likes you" in my ear whenever we were together, I still believed we were just friends. Then somewhere along the way, one of us (you) expressed our feelings to the other which led the other one (me) to evaluate their feelings and decide if it was safe to be more than friends. So we both admitted that we liked the other, and that's when we went from being friends, to being "friends."
We had talked about what our new "friendship" meant, and we had both agreed that we were friends just "living in the moment." Yea, we said that a lot; we were always "living in the moment", "going with the flow", and "seeing where this goes." Now the one thing that I noticed that was different about our "friendship" compared to others was that I was not the girl that was blindly infatuated with a guy so much that I agreed to any form of relationship he wanted just to be with him. I, on the other hand, was completely down with this whole going with the flow friendship we had because in my mind, I was moving in two months and doubted that this "friendship" would get that serious in that short amount of time. And plus, I'm a G; I know how to separate emotions from fun. Or at least I was trying to.
See, the interesting thing about you is that you wouldn't allow me to remain in my G state; you wanted me to open up and express emotions, and I could never get down with that idea. So many people always talk about how women can't do anything without allowing emotions to get in the way, and that's what I was trying not to do. I was determined to stay level headed and not let emotions change the way I viewed our "friendship". I was doing really good at this too. I was doing so well at it that I suggested you get a "side chick" on two occasions...and this is where things got cloudy for me.
Now the first time I mentioned you get a side chick, our "friendship" was new and I was purely joking, but even though I was joking, you had a great response involving not doing that because it would be unfair to me (or any girl you are talking to at the moment). I thought that was admirable and you of course gained brownie points. However, all this was said before things began to get hot and heavy. And although I brought it up the second time, you didn't hesitate to agree with me, and this is when I realized that this was not what I wanted at all.
At that moment, I realized that I was short changing myself by being in this "intimate relationship" with you even though it lacked a "title and exclusiveness." See I had many "a ha!" moments yesterday while I was with you. The first was that I, just a friend, was suggesting that a friend that I was non-exclusive with get a side chick to relieve his frustrations. Wait, what?! Exactly! First, the fact that I, a black woman on the hunt to find a husband, would suggest and even consider allowing a guy I was talking to to have a girl on the side is just blasphemous in the eyes of many women. But the funniest part about that whole situation was that I'm not even your main chick, so how can I even suggest a side chick. Which brings me to the second thing that I realized yesterday.
I have been ultimately short changing myself for a long time now. I came to the realization that I've been having different degrees of an intimate relationship with guys I was never in a relationship with over a period of time now. I had never thought about my dealings with guys in this way before because none of them had escalated to the level of intimacy that I have engaged in with you. But despite how intimate we have been, I have allowed myself to open up entirely too much to guys that are not exclusively mine in general. And now, my third realization.
Whenever I thought of the guys I was talking to and the type of "relationship" I had with them and what would change between us going from friends to a couple, all I ever thought about was the title. I would always think to myself, well what changes when you get in a relationship with someone other than you put a title on it. I never even considered the fact that being in a relationship would also involve being exclusive with someone and giving up talking to all friends with quotations. Now why I never thought about that aspect of a relationship, I'm not entirely sure. Maybe I have commitment issues, maybe I've been trying to find some ideal situation to start a relationship, or maybe I've just been foolish. But either way, I'm done...
I admit, it's been fun. I have enjoyed every moment with you and I wouldn't do anything differently, but I can't keep on like this even if it is just for three more weeks. Because just like this past week, a lot can happen over the next week, and I am already starting to see my feelings slip into the situation and I'm starting to notice that things that I had previously dismissed are starting to get to me and I don't like it.
Now I wrote something for you as you already knew:
First you pull me close and hold me tight
then you sweetly whisper words that are just right.
Your fingers begin to slide to different places
while your lips move like chess pieces across many spaces.
Items of clothing begin to come off
as you make every effort of getting me off.
And this is all before we've explored the option of sex
which is what you are praying for while I'm fearing it will come next.
Because sex is an issue I'm not ready to face
especially since I'm planning to move away from this place.
So I hope it will be just enough to "dream" with you
and I pray we can both stop short of making fantasies come true.
This has gotten extremely long, so I'm going to end it even though I still have so much more to say.
P.S. this is how I feel today for reasons we are both familiar with, but this is not a definite end to "us" or a goodbye. Everything I've said here is most definitely open for discussion if you want to talk about it.
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