A Tribute

I have to admit, your hands get me every time. Your looks and words can't compare to what your hands can do. See, your hands are:

Always moving cohesively

although acting separately.

Quickly igniting fires

and playing on desires.

Working towards a goal.

Constantly doing as told.

Consistently avoiding distractions

while responding to natural reactions.

Aiding others in the quest

to achieve moist and wet.

Permanently leaving physical phantom marks

created repeatedly in the dark.

For U...

First you pull me close and hold me tight

then you sweetly whisper words that are just right.

Your fingers begin to slide to different places

while your lips move like chess pieces across many spaces.

Items of clothing begin to come off

as you make every effort of getting me off.

And this is all before we've explored the option of sex

which is what you are praying for while I'm fearing it will come next.

Because sex is an issue I'm not ready to face

especially since I'm planning to move away from this place.

So I hope it will be just enough to "dream" with you

and I pray we can both stop short of making fantasies come true.

I've Been Foolish....or Something Like That

When our friendship first started, or restarted, I only saw us as just friends. I sort of thought you were trying to holla' at me, but I didn't think too much of it. We were just friends for awhile and although my other friends kept whispering "he likes you" in my ear whenever we were together, I still believed we were just friends. Then somewhere along the way, one of us (you) expressed our feelings to the other which led the other one (me) to evaluate their feelings and decide if it was safe to be more than friends. So we both admitted that we liked the other, and that's when we went from being friends, to being "friends."

We had talked about what our new "friendship" meant, and we had both agreed that we were friends just "living in the moment." Yea, we said that a lot; we were always "living in the moment", "going with the flow", and "seeing where this goes." Now the one thing that I noticed that was different about our "friendship" compared to others was that I was not the girl that was blindly infatuated with a guy so much that I agreed to any form of relationship he wanted just to be with him. I, on the other hand, was completely down with this whole going with the flow friendship we had because in my mind, I was moving in two months and doubted that this "friendship" would get that serious in that short amount of time. And plus, I'm a G; I know how to separate emotions from fun. Or at least I was trying to.

See, the interesting thing about you is that you wouldn't allow me to remain in my G state; you wanted me to open up and express emotions, and I could never get down with that idea. So many people always talk about how women can't do anything without allowing emotions to get in the way, and that's what I was trying not to do. I was determined to stay level headed and not let emotions change the way I viewed our "friendship". I was doing really good at this too. I was doing so well at it that I suggested you get a "side chick" on two occasions...and this is where things got cloudy for me.

Now the first time I mentioned you get a side chick, our "friendship" was new and I was purely joking, but even though I was joking, you had a great response involving not doing that because it would be unfair to me (or any girl you are talking to at the moment). I thought that was admirable and you of course gained brownie points. However, all this was said before things began to get hot and heavy. And although I brought it up the second time, you didn't hesitate to agree with me, and this is when I realized that this was not what I wanted at all.

At that moment, I realized that I was short changing myself by being in this "intimate relationship" with you even though it lacked a "title and exclusiveness." See I had many "a ha!" moments yesterday while I was with you. The first was that I, just a friend, was suggesting that a friend that I was non-exclusive with get a side chick to relieve his frustrations. Wait, what?! Exactly! First, the fact that I, a black woman on the hunt to find a husband, would suggest and even consider allowing a guy I was talking to to have a girl on the side is just blasphemous in the eyes of many women. But the funniest part about that whole situation was that I'm not even your main chick, so how can I even suggest a side chick. Which brings me to the second thing that I realized yesterday.

I have been ultimately short changing myself for a long time now. I came to the realization that I've been having different degrees of an intimate relationship with guys I was never in a relationship with over a period of time now. I had never thought about my dealings with guys in this way before because none of them had escalated to the level of intimacy that I have engaged in with you. But despite how intimate we have been, I have allowed myself to open up entirely too much to guys that are not exclusively mine in general. And now, my third realization.

Whenever I thought of the guys I was talking to and the type of "relationship" I had with them and what would change between us going from friends to a couple, all I ever thought about was the title. I would always think to myself, well what changes when you get in a relationship with someone other than you put a title on it. I never even considered the fact that being in a relationship would also involve being exclusive with someone and giving up talking to all friends with quotations. Now why I never thought about that aspect of a relationship, I'm not entirely sure. Maybe I have commitment issues, maybe I've been trying to find some ideal situation to start a relationship, or maybe I've just been foolish. But either way, I'm done...

I admit, it's been fun. I have enjoyed every moment with you and I wouldn't do anything differently, but I can't keep on like this even if it is just for three more weeks. Because just like this past week, a lot can happen over the next week, and I am already starting to see my feelings slip into the situation and I'm starting to notice that things that I had previously dismissed are starting to get to me and I don't like it.

Now I wrote something for you as you already knew:

First you pull me close and hold me tight

then you sweetly whisper words that are just right.

Your fingers begin to slide to different places

while your lips move like chess pieces across many spaces.

Items of clothing begin to come off

as you make every effort of getting me off.

And this is all before we've explored the option of sex

which is what you are praying for while I'm fearing it will come next.

Because sex is an issue I'm not ready to face

especially since I'm planning to move away from this place.

So I hope it will be just enough to "dream" with you

and I pray we can both stop short of making fantasies come true.

This has gotten extremely long, so I'm going to end it even though I still have so much more to say.

P.S. this is how I feel today for reasons we are both familiar with, but this is not a definite end to "us" or a goodbye. Everything I've said here is most definitely open for discussion if you want to talk about it.

Lost Love ~ Short Story

Sitting in his black 2007 Chevy Impala LS, Chris contemplated telling Michelle what he knew she deserved to know. He pondered over telling her something he knew would break her heart. He tried to figure out how to tell a person that he cared so deeply for some news that he knew would risk him losing a close friend forever. Chris knew that he could not hide this from her any longer and decided to face the truth that he might lose her. Taking a deep breath, Chris called out to Michelle as she reached for the door handle. "Michelle, I asked her to marry me," Chris heard himself saying in slow motion.

"Well Chris it was nice being your friend and I hope you have a nice life." Taken back by Michelle's nonchalant attitude, Chris grabbed her arm as she went to get out of the car. "What? That's all you got to say? How you just gone stop being my friend cause I'm engaged?"
"Chris, I can't stand back and watch you marry her knowing I feel the way I feel about you. I care about you a lot; more than I care to describe in any more words. And you knew this. A month after we met, I asked you did you like me. You were like 'yea'. Do you remember that?"
"Yea and I meant that."
"But Chris, you didn't mean it in the way I wanted you to. After that I asked you did you like me enough to want to start a relationship and you told that you weren't ready for a relationship. And do you remember what I told you?"
"Yea, you told me that you were."
"I told you more than that. I told you that I really liked you and wanted to be in a relationship with you. I also told you that I would wait till you were ready."
"Yea, I remember."
"And do you remember what you did six months later?"
"I ended up hooking up with..."

"Yea, you ended up getting in a relationship with her. And when you came to me and told me that, I was hurt. Oh believe me I very was hurt, but I accepted it and remained your friend regardless. I even remained a friend when you would come to me with your relationship problems. I never once gave you any advice that would persuade you to break up with her. My advice was always unbiased. I just sat back and waited for the day when you realized I was the one for you. But you never saw it. And now you're engaged to her."
"I'm sorry. I didn't know that...that"
"You didn't know what Chris? That I cared so much. You knew that's why it took you two weeks to tell me you asked her to marry you."
"You knew all this time?"
"Of course I did. Your sister called me two days later and told me all about it. She asked me if I was throwing you an engagement party."
"Oh."
"Did you even think of me when you asked her?"
"I didn't..."
"You didn't think of me till afterwards. I guess I don't mean as much to you as you do to me," Michelle commented as she got out of the car. She slammed the door behind her and quickly walked into her dorm feeling the tears start to swell up in her eyes.

Chris, not wanting to end their friendship that way, parked his car in a no parking zone and ran into the dorm hoping to catch up with Michelle. When he ran inside, he saw Michelle stepping onto the elevator and ran after her. The doors had closed when he made it to the elevator but he pushed the up button to get it to open. The doors opened and Michelle was standing in front of him brokenhearted. "Go away, Chris," Michelle said barely above a whisper.

"No, I can't."
"Why not?"
"Cause I love you."
"You don't love me."
"Michelle, I love you."
"No you don't"
"Yes, yes I do."
"What makes you think I should believe you?"

"Because I'm telling you I love you." Not sure what she should do, Michelle stood there pondering on if she should believe him or not. Chris stood there patiently waiting for her response when a guy standing on the elevator asked, "Um, I don't mean to interrupt this intense moment but can you get in the elevator?" Chris quickly shook his head and walked into the elevator. He wrapped his arms around Michelle and told her to look at him. "Michelle I love you."
"If you love me like you say Chris then why are you marrying her?" Hesitant to answer Michelle's question, Chris stood there for a minute wondering what he could say to not make the situation worse. Interrupting his thoughts, Michelle asked him again, "Why Chris?"

"Because...she...she is...she is pregnant." Stunned, Michelle looked at Chris in disbelief. She could not do anything but shake her head no as she replayed his words over and over in her mind. She was so shocked that she had not even noticed that the elevator had stopped on her floor. When the doors were about to close, she ran out the elevator leaving Chris behind. The doors closed before Chris could run after her. Not wanting to lose her, Chris pushed the button for the fourth floor in a desperate attempt to get the elevator to go back down. The elevator went up to the sixth floor to drop off the guy in the elevator next to Chris before it went back to the fourth floor. As soon as the doors opened, Chris shot out of the elevator and down the hall towards Michelle's room. When he came around the corner of her hall, he saw her unlocking her door and ran down the hall calling after her. Michelle looked at Chris with tears in her eyes right before she went in her room and slammed the door in his face.

"Michelle please just talk to me."
"Talk to you Chris. There is nothing to say. You got her pregnant!" Michelle screamed so loud that everyone on that hall came out to see what all the commotion was about.
"But I love you Michelle."
"Do you really Chris, do you really?"
"Yes I do."
"Well you have a fucking funny way of showing it. How could you be so careless as to get her pregnant? Pregnant!" Michelle screamed as she punched the door.
"I know, I didn't mean for that to happen."

"Of course you didn't, and with you being such a great guy," Michelle started to say before she found herself crying again, "you asked her to marry you because you didn't want your kids to grow up without a father like you did." Feeling worse than he was already feeling, Chris pleaded for Michelle to open the door so they could talk face-to-face. "No Chris, I don't want to ever see your face again. Just go away and leave me alone." Michelle then heard a knock coming from the restroom door. She yelled "come in" and her suitemate Nikki came in to see if she was okay. She found Michelle lying on the floor next to the door crying. She went over to Michelle and tried to persuade her to get in the bed. "No, my heart is here and here is where I want to stay. Make him go away Nikki. Longer he stays out there the more I will convince myself to take him back. I can't take him back. Make him go away Nikki. Please make him go away." Upset to see her friend like this, Nikki went out of Michelle's door to get Chris to leave.
Sitting against the wall with tears streaming down his face, Chris looked towards Michelle's door expecting to see her coming out the door. He jumped up when he saw Nikki and asked if Michelle was willing to see him. "I think you should leave Chris."
"No I'm not leaving till she talks to me."

"Chris just leave. You have my friend in there lying on the floor crying. She won't get up because she feels like you ripped her heart out and threw it on the floor. Just go! Leave her alone!" Feeling like he had been hit with a truck, Chris leaned against the wall and slid down to the floor. He put his face in his hands and started to cry. He could not figure out how he could have been so stupid. One of Chris's friends who was visiting a female on Michelle's hall, got tired of seeing his friend make a fool out of himself and tired to get Chris to leave. "Come on Chris lets go." Too drained to put up a fight, Chris got up and followed his friend down the hallway. He stopped at the end of the hall to look back at Michelle's room and saw Nikki still standing there with an angry look on her face. Facing the fact that he might have actually lost Michelle, Chris continued to walk down the hall toward the elevator feeling as if he had just lost the love of his life.

Once Chris disappeared around the corner, Nikki went back into Michelle's room to try to get her to get off the floor and into bed. Michelle obeyed and stood up. As soon as she stood up, she began to cry uncontrollably. Nikki hugged her friend in an effort to calm her. "Why Nikki? Why did he have to do this to me? Why couldn't he just have picked me? Why did he have to be so careless? Why do I love him so much? Why? Why Nikki? Why?" Michelle cried out on Nikki's shoulder as her heart ached with the pain of losing her first and only love.

Unfinished Story ~ Short Story

This is a story I started about 5 - 6 years ago and haven't finished it for personalreasons

He held her hand as he led her up the stairs. She just stared at the floor as she ran through the many doubts she had in her mind. She wanted to do this but hadn't completely convinced her self of why. All her thoughts were gone once they reached the room. He opened the door and motioned for her to walk in. She took a deep breathe as she walked inside the room. He closed and locked the door walking over to her. Watching him come near her made her heart beat faster, her breathing heavier, and her body tense. He stopped in front of her and grabbed her waist pulling her body close to his. He stared into her eyes briefly before he leaned in to kiss her lips. She let his lips do whatever they wanted. His lips traveled from her lips down to her neck. He felt her body stiffen a little when his hands moved up her sides. He paused for a moment to see if she would push him away. He did not want to go on unless he was sure she was ready. When she did not push him away, he continued. This time when he felt her body tense, he didn't stop until he felt her pull away.

He took her by the hand before asking her, "Are you sure this is what you want?" Not so sure, she turned away from him and walked over to the window. He followed her to the window and wrapped his arms around her waist. She leaned back against his chest and contemplated what she truly wanted. When she knew, she turned around to tell him that she was ready but lost herself in his eyes. He could see in her eyes that she was finally willing to give her all to him. He then led her over to the bed. They stopped in front of the bed and he held her in his arms as they kissed. He began to slowly undress her. He started unbuttoning her jeans before he moved to her shirt. He lifted her shirt over her head and then removed his own. Her eyes gradually moved over his body admiring the view.

He walked around her body and stood behind her. He kissed her neck as his hands pushed her jeans off her hips towards the floor. She stepped out of her jeans and waited for his next move. "Sit on the bed," he whispered. She turned towards him before doing exactly what he said. As she sat on the bed, he knelt on the floor in front of her. He gradually slid his hands up her legs towards her hips. The sensation his touch sent through her body was unfamiliar to her. She wanted to stop but her body wouldn't let her. Once his hands made it to her hips, he grabbed her panties on both sides and commenced to pull them in the direction of the floor. The closer her panties got to the floor, the more intense her breathing became. After he removed her panties, he picked her up and placed her in the middle of the bed. She laid there studying his body as he removed the rest of his clothing. When he was down to just his boxers, she was suddenly filled with so much emotion she had to look away.

She laid there staring at the ceiling waiting for him to come to her. He stared at her naked body as he walked over to the bed. He climbed into the bed placing his body directly over hers. He reached for the sheets and pulled them over his back. She could not look at him as he situated himself. Just the thought of what was about to happen made her heart pound. Ready to share his love with her, he turned her face towards his and kissed her passionately and he slid his hands over her thighs. The feeling of his touch on her thighs stirred up a fire from deep within.

Without Me, There is No You ~ Short Story

Rachel paced back and forth as she waited for her sister to return. She was so excited and extremely nervous at the same time. The day she had dreamed of was finally here with the man she had always loved. She was so deep into her thoughts that she had not noticed her sister come into the room. Her sister called out to Rachel, "Are you ready?"

"Yea I believe I am." Rachel replied as she grabbed her veil and bouquet. She followed her sister out into the hall as she waited for the music that would cue her entrance. She stood in front of the double doors filled with anxiety and excitement when she heard the music begin. Smiling, Rachel slowly walked through the open doors. She walked which such pride and beauty that everyone in the chapel stared at her with admiration. Her gown draped her body perfectly while her jewelry only added to her beauty. Her hair flowed over her shoulders with her veil barely concealing her face.

Rachel walked toward her future husband never taking her eyes away from the man that she loved so dearly. She was in awe at the fact that she would be so lucky as to spend the rest of her life with such a wonderful man. Rachel was a step away from the altar when she suddenly heard a loud sound followed by a sharp pain in her back. Rachel stopped completely and glanced down at her torso noticing blood beginning to seep through her dress. She looked up at her fiancé only a moment before she blacked out and fell to the ground.

Travis moved to run to his future wife's side when he was stopped by a commanding voice coming from the man holding the gun. Travis looked into the face of the man that had just shot the woman of his dreams and started running toward the man with such rage in his eyes. Before Travis could get half way to the guy he shot him in his the chest barely missing his heart. The blow from the bullet hit Travis with such force it knocked him to the ground.

The gunman walked past Travis and headed towards the bride when her father stood in his path. The gunman stared her father in the eyes as he spoke softly and hatefully, "Mr. McKinney, move before I shoot you and your wife." Mr. McKinney reluctantly backed down and let the gunman near his daughter. The gunman kneeled down next to the bride and turned her over onto her back. Rachel opened her eyes to see her ex-boyfriend from two years ago staring at her. Rachel weakly tried to push the gunman away when he leaned in to kiss her.

"Rachel, please just kiss me one last time before you die. Please just give me that."

"Kiss? You just shot me Rick," Rachel responded in a weak voice. Rick shhh Rachel and told her that he did it out of love. "I couldn't bare to think of you living the rest of you life with another man. Rachel you must understand how much I love you. I love you enough to kill for you. Now if that means killing you, then I will do it."

Rachel was speechless as she listened to the words coming form Rick's mouth. She suddenly had a flashback to the day when she broke up with Rick and he threw her out of a second story window. Rachel began to cry as she realized that she would die and Rick would be the last face she ever saw. The tears began to flow from her eyes even more when she noticed that she could not see Travis near. Rachel called out to her father for questions. "Daddy, where is Travis? Where is Travis daddy?" Rachel's questions of worry for her future were only answered by silence.

"Don't worry about him. It's just me and you now," Rick replied. Rachel began to cry uncontrollably when she suddenly heard sirens in the distance. She began to smile with the hope that she might survive. Rick looked Rachel in the eyes, told her he loved her more than he could ever explain, and then shot his self in the head. Rachel screamed as Rick's blood and body fell onto her body.

A Collection of Old Poems

Intense

I want you
Not realizing you are taken
Time only encourages me
Every night I dream of you
Needing you to come to me
Sexually wanting you
Even when I’m with him

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Hopeless

We started off young
not knowing what we were doing.
I said goodbye
even though you were a great guy.
We tried it again
but it soon came to an end.
Trying to make a mends
we turn out being friends.
You found another,
but we wouldn't let go of each other.
So now we continue to talk
hoping to start it all over.
We both know
how far it will go.
We just keep up fronts
scared to let the other slip away.
Knowing well enough
that there isn't enough to make us stay.

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You put a smile upon my face,
with every word of grace.
When you speak those sweet words I love to hear,
they erase all of the doubt and fear.
Your words are what I look forward to each day,
Seeing as for now your so far away.
I wish you could be here,
to heal the pain, and remove the tear.
But for now I must make due,
til the day when I am able to kiss you.

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Shower

Water flowing from the shower covers my body entirely.
Droplets travel my body making their way to the drain.
The warmth of the water embraces me.
It soothes my soul and calms my nerves.
To never leave the shower...
to stay in this state of relaxation
to have all my thoughts escape me
to be free of the stress of the day
would be heavenly.

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Hearing your voice
Makes me completely stop
Seeing your face
Reassures me of my feelings
Speaking your name
Is like confessing my love
Just kissing your lips
Fulfills all my desires
Feeling your body against mine
Satisfies my every pleasure

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Wasted

Tears streaming

Dreams shattered

Hope lost

She now feels alone

Body is violated

Love is taken advantaged of

Home no longer feels the same

She no longer trust

Adolescents is gone

A need for love has vanished

Reasons to care have disappeared

She turns to drugs

Friends leave

Family gives up

Security stripped

She is left homeless

Money is needed

Stripping becomes an option

Prostitution has become the solution

She constructs a life of shame

Faith fades

Plans for success forgotten

Continuing life seems pointless

She considers death

Future destroyed

Form of desperation performed

Darkness consumes her mind

She no longer feels pain.

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Pressure

Do you even know what you do to me
Your smell when you brush past
The look in your eyes
and those sexy lips of yours.
I try so hard to contain myself
If you only knew the dirty thoughts that run through my mind
Just to feel your body against mine.
The mere thought of the things we could do
continues to drive me wild.

The more I see you
the more the pressure starts to build
Please just touch me
Relieve this pressure from inside me.
Tease me no more
Give me what I want and what I need
Cause all I need is for you to bring me joy,
True pleasure from all this pressure.

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