Fear & Love

I want you to
touch me
in places untouched by another
but
I am afraid

I want you to
kiss me
where eyes have not gone
but
I am afraid

I want you to
free me
from my own restraints on love
but
I am afraid

I want you to
love me
as if you would never harm me
but
I am afraid

I want to forget
the fear
so I can love you
but
I am afraid

And
I remain afraid
to let you
love me
let me
love you

Valentine's Day

Hmmm....V-day has to be the funniest holiday out of them all. The way people get so sad over one day amazes me. It is not like this day doesn't come around every year, but people continuously get sad, or cranky, or plain mad that they so happen to be alone on this one of 365 days out of the year. Do you complain about being alone any other day in the year? Then why cry about this one?

I have heard such angry comments about choking St. Valentine to Yay to this monetary holiday. If you don't believe in it that's fine. I believe that the only day that I require or expect my significant other to go above and beyond for me would be my Birthday because that is the only day that is dedicated to me. Yea I would love to be showered with love and affection on V-day, but you can do that by renting my fav movie, cooking my fav meal with my fav dessert, and cuddling up next to me on the couch. Just showing me you care is enough.

I feel as if only the angry, bitter, lonely people make a big deal about what others decide to do on this day because they wish someone could be doing it for them. Oh well, get over it. This day is only 24 hours in a sea of 24 hour days. In 30 minutes this day will be over, but will you be happier or sadder when you realize that you are still single the next day?

Book #2

If you ever wanted to know about a culture other than your own, specifically the Irish Catholic culture, this is the book you should read. It is creatively written as if the author Frank McCourt had been writing his story since the age of four. By him writing it like that, I felt as if he was personally telling me his story. The memoir chronicles his life from his early years in America, his time after his family moved back to Ireland, to when he finally returned to America.

I must warn that this is not a book that disclaims any stereotypes. McCourt's own life is a perfect example of any stereotype there is about Irish Catholics. His father is a drunk who was forced to marry his mother after he got her pregnant, and his mother cannot stop having children although her husband can't obviously stay sober longer enough to support his family.

Angela's Ashes is a sad and tragic memoir that will make you want to do everything from adopting a Irish child to advocating that all pubs be abolished in Ireland.

Novels

So, I am taking two novel classes this semester. One is a British Fiction class and the other is A Survey of Ethnic Literature (whatever that means). This basically translates into me reading 2 novels a week at 400 pages a week. Exciting. So I decided to list the novels here and write a short post on each novel after I read it. So the novels I am reading this semester are:
- Persuasion - Jane Austen
- The Mill on the Floss - George Eliot
- Tess of the D'Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy
- The French Lieutenant's Woman - John Fowles
- David Copperfield - Charles Dickens
- Beloved - Toni Morrison (Read this one in H.S., but it's one of those books you have to read at least twice to fully comprehend it)
- The Woman Warrior - Maxine Hong Kingston
- Angela's Ashes - Frank McCourt
- Interpreter of Maladies - Jhumpa Lahiri
- Lucy - Jamaica Kincaid
- Ten Little Indians - Sherman Alexie
- The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Who - ...
- Plus two others that I don't have yet or I know I won't be writing a post on.

I've just finished Persuasion and overall I would give it a B-. It was a decent love story, but it took me 130 pages out of 236 till I finally got into it. For the better half of the novel, Anne, the main character, is trying to fight her feelings for a man who she was once engaged to, but was "persuaded" not to marry him because he was beneath her in status and rank. Around 130 pages, she starts to see that he can no longer pretend to hate her, and is starting to show his true feelings for her. If I wasn't forced to read the novel, I probably would have stopped reading it around page 50. Jane Austen is good with words and gives plenty of elaborate details to make you feel as if you are in the 18th century. However, she is a bit wordy. Overall I liked it, and will actually keep the book and not sell it back to the book store.

Random Facts

In the spirit of keeping up with my New Year Promises, I'm going to post a blog about 25 random facts about me since I don't have anything significant to talk about.

1. I am an English major at the University of North Texas.

2. I am adopted and have 6 brothers and sisters from a variety of parents.

3. I have 2 dogs.

4. I just bought a '97 Toyota Corolla

5. I love music and almost have 2000 songs on my computer.

6. I fantasize about my life way more than I live it.

7. I am in a co-ed honor fraternity.

8. I still live in the dorms.

9. My friends are predominantly white, but we have few things in common... i.e. music, books, theories.

10. I paint my toes year-round even though I only show them in the summer.

11. I desperately want a bunny.

12. I still watch cartoons.

13. I wish I could skip dating and jump straight in to marriage.

14. I secretly want to get my heart broken.

15. I am contemplating selling my eggs for money.

16. I'm running out of random facts about myself.

17. I don't know how to ride a bike and recently just learned how to drive a car.

18. Purple is rapidly becoming my favorite color.

19. I cry a lot. Not alone, but I am extremely emotional.

20. I am slowly working on seeing the greatest movies of all time.

21. I finally saw Casablanca, The Godfather, and It's a Wonderful Life.

22. I have never gone farther than kissing with a guy.

23. I sometimes wish I had more excitement in my life, and then sometimes I'm thankful that I don't

24. I wish I were a better writer.

25. I hope to someday change someone's life.

My Promises for 2009

1. I promise to follow through with every plan I make, including taking Yoga, buying a car, and finding a job.

2. I promise to present myself better. I make this promise to myself every year, and every year I actually improve my image little by little. In '08 I actually began to wear earrings and carry purses.

3. I promise to stop doing at least half of my bad habits, like standing on the back of my knees, biting my nails, and my all time favorite, procrastinating (this one however will most definitely be broken once school starts).

4. I promise to write more and read more outside of school work. Since starting college, my creativity has been lacking but I am going to make sure that the the creative juices begin to flow again by making a promise to write at least one blog a week and one poem a week.

5. I promise to write one blog a week and one poem a week :)

I can't wait to see how many of these I actually kept at the end of the year. If I'm lucky all of them if not at least one.

Reflection of 2008

2008 was a heartbreaking year for me. It started off fairly nice, but became filled with despair towards the middle, but thankfully it ended better than it began. My year began to get a little rough in the end of May when my Godmother had a stroke and I was the only one that was able to take care of her. Me and my mom struggled all summer to find someone that would be able to take care of her during the day and stay with her at night. I had to stay with her for half the summer and go to summer school at the same time. Unfortunately, we could never find anyone that was qualified enough or available enough to be able to stay with her very long and the whole process became very stressful. Then, in October, she had to be hospitalized for unknown reasons and unfortunately she passed away two weeks later while I was away at school. Although I could not be at her side the day she died, I had a chance to talk to her everyday during her last week.

Her passing away really took a toll on me and every time I thought about her I just cried. I am actually crying now while writing this. Her death was just so unexpected since she was making wonderful progress when I left for school. It hurt me so much that I had to leave to go to school when we still hadn't found anyone we could trust to be with her. But she fortunately was never alone after I left and I thank God for that. But it is going to take me a very long time to not cry when I think about her. When I first came home from school for the winter break, my sister and I were driving to the DMV and we drove past her street. I immediately broke down crying when she took the exit from the freeway that lead to my Godmother street. I hated the fact that she was longer going to be on Hurley St. and that I no longer had a reason to go down there.

My Godmother was a significant part of my life and I thank God that my mother chose her and her husband as my Godparents. The best thing about her passing is that I know that she is now in heaven with my Godfather who went to his heavenly home only four years before. I missed them both tremendously, and I will never forget the everlasting impact the two of them had on me and the unconditional love they showed me.