Dear God,

Hi, I don't really know what to say. Many people usually come to you to only ask you to grant them their hopes and dreams, but I usually just pray for my family to be blessed, to have sweet dreams, a great night sleep, and a blessed next day. I pray the same prayer every night with slight modifications. Particularly praying for one specific person, or for some event in my life that I want to go well or be safe in.

Every one wishes the best for their family and friends, or at least I do. There are so many people surrounding me in my life that I just wish I could say detailed prayers for them every night, but if I did that I don't think I would ever make it to sleep. So, I will take the time out now to pray for all those that I care for and hope that this is an everlasting pray that you will consider repeatedly. Sorry if this is uber-long, but I have plenty of people I want to pray for.

1. My mother - Lord bless my mom with peace of mind. Lord you know that she worries considerably and takes on the worries of others. Grant her with serenity so that she may be fully happy and live out the rest of her days carefree. Bless her that she continues to love her job, work hard, and want to continue to excel so that she may finally be able to retire and put all her years of strenuous work behind her for good. Watch over my mother as she goes out into the world. I know that you say that to believe in you is to be fearless, and I try, but I fear that the people my mom encounter do not see your halo around her. So, lord please keep her safe. I know she is courageous and fearless, but her children are not and worry about her constantly. And lord, please bless her that she does all that she can for those that she loves. I know that she always wants to help those around her because for so long she was unable to. Please grant her the ability to do all that she hopes to.

2. My sister Nikki - lord bless Nikki with the same as my mom and grant her serenity, peace of mind, and success. Lord, you know that Nikki takes on the weight of the world and it causes her distress. Please bless her that she will be able to forget about the evils of the world. It keeps her awake at night along with her other troubles. Speaking of, God please, please bless her with good health. Please bless Nikki with the chance of prosperity so that she may have a better chance at life. Nikki is a wonderful person and the status of her health is starting to deteriorate along with her self-esteem and natural light. Please bless her to soon be able to get her health in order before her light is gone. Having her light will not only benefit her, but all those that encounter her, but lord you already know that because you gave it to her.

3. My sister Donye' - My prayer for my little sister is small but one of my major worries. Lord please bless Donye' to remain the sweet, silly, goofy, innocent minded girl that she currently is, but lord please make her aware of the real world so that she may not be deceived, taken advantage of, or sucked into any trouble. My greatest fear for her is that she will soon revolt against her strong christian upbringing and cause more trouble than necessary in her life. So lord, please continue to guide her and surround her with great people. I know that you know all this and everything is planned, but lord you also know how we tend to stray from your path...please help the people around Donye' to help her continue on the path toward you. I generally just want for her to turn out like me lord, but better, greater.

4. My brothers Mack and Steve - Lord please bless both of them and their families. Bless Steven with a greater faith, a stronger wife, and healthy children. You have blessed him considerably, and at the moment it appears that he has all, but of course like us all, he still needs prayer because no one's life is perfect. Bless him with an understanding, calm wife, outstanding children, and the intuitive not to forget you lord. We all wish for prosperity but often forget who blessed us with it. People become too busy with making their fortune to make time for you, so bless my brother Steve and his family with the opportunity to develop in you and not forget you. Lord please bless my brother Mack to give up all of his unhealthy habits and devote himself to his family and you lord. Mack has some demons that he really needs to be rid of lord so please relieve him of these demons so that he may be the best possible man that he made him to be.

5. Tiffany - Lord please bless Tiffany to be able to finally be relieved of all the craziness that surrounds her and Malaya. Lord please help her to see that nothing in her life will change unless she puts true effort into making it change. She constantly complains about the different occurrences in her life, but she makes little effort to fix her situation. Let her know that she does not need a man in her life that does not support or provide for her and her family. So Lord motivate her to see the path that you have set before her, and help her to realize that she does not need anyone else's help and support but yours.

6. Darice - God please bless Darice that she is able to properly get back on her feet after having her last child. Bless her to see her worth so that she may be confident enough in herself to make sure that she alone with your help is able to provide for her and her children. Let her know that she does not need a man in her life that does not support or provide for her and her family. Darice and Tiffany are in the same situations Lord and I just asked that you guide them both out of the storm so that they may become what you want them to become.

7. Dee Dee- God just simply bless Dee Dee with the way she handles the world. Help her to understand that alcohol is not the answer to stress and that she can survive the stress of the day without having a drink at the end.

8. Joshua - Lord, bless Josh with the ability to stay focus. Give him the strength to stay on task, overlook distractions, and do everything that he possibly can to get to the place he is destined to be in life. Help him to be able to separate personal from professional, and become the great professional man he aspires to be. Help him to also be the man of God that he wants to be, and the man that you are trying to make him into . Lord just help Josh to overall be that great man of God that everyone knows he can be.

9. All friends - God just bless all the friends that surround me with whatever may come into their lives. Bless them that they are able to overcome any and all situations that come their way, and they are able to come through them stronger and wiser.

10. My family - All - God please watch over my family and see that they are happy and healthy. Lord watch carefully over the children and see that they are well taken care of and that no harm comes their way. God please bless their parents to raise great children of God and see that they may not go astray and in turn take their children down a troubled path. Bless all my family that they may forget the troubles of the past and trust fully in you Lord to guide them into their futures.

The Change in Communication (Sparked by Julia & Julie)

So I went to see Julie & Julia tonight and found it was a very interesting movie that I could slightly relate to. The part that I could relate to most in the movie was one of the main characters Julie who wanted to do something significant and interesting in her life so she decided to blog about her experiences cooking her way through Julia Child's cookbook. I have observed that since the invention of blogging, people have really tried to build themselves up slightly by trying to achieve something through blogs. I don't know what it is exactly that makes us want to share some part of ourselves over the internet and want to do it consistently. I myself have been trying hard to keep up with my blog so that I can feel a small sense of accomplishment by continuing to write in it regularly.

As human beings, we for some reason have the need to share all of ourselves over the internet when we can't even share ourselves with the person we love sitting next to us. What is it about communicating over the web that makes it more appealing than actually talking to people? Why do people want to type more than speak?

I personally am getting tired of having a 3 hour text conversation when I could have had the same convo over the phone in 15 mins. I understand that some people are more comfortable with texting because it has that cushion of time that allows a person to fully develop an answer before responding, but we aren't meant to have the perfect response to every question and although in the past I preferred texting, I am seriously getting tired of it.

I am going to simply start calling people more, and perhaps responding to texts less.

Control Me No More!

What is it about me that screams control me? Do I give off some I-want-to-be-controlled vibe? I guess I am sending off secret messages that read "Oh I don't know what I really want so I need you to tell me cause obviously you have a better clue than I do." And if so then I need to stop it. See I'm all for pleasing those around me including close friends and family, but then when pleasing them starts to interfere with pleasing myself and doing what I prefer to do, then what they want is no longer as important to me.

Lately I have been feeling like the people surrounding me are very controlling over what I do and don't do. I've noticed this before, but it never bothered me. Now it's starting to bother me because I am trying to find my own way, become more independent and less dependent on others. I have also realized that I have made myself too readily available for everyone. I have made myself into someone that can always be counted on to be there for anyone at anytime to be a psychologists, entertainer, and all-around "fulfiller" of others' needs. Now the question isn't how did I let this happen, but how do I get myself out of this.

I have basically branded myself as a "fulfiller" and have recently decided to change my product. If I do this, I may create some very disgruntled customers, then what do I do? I don't know what I am going to do to make them happy again, but I do know that I am going to continue doing what I want for the time being by fulfilling my own needs/wants first.

The whole reason for this sudden need to change "the brand" is because, like many people on there way to graduating soon, I have been thinking about what I am going to do after I graduate. I have been thinking of many possible options from remaining in Dallas to moving on the East or West coast to even living over seas. So, if I do pick an option other than moving back to Houston I am going to have plenty of people angry or expressing various other controlling emotions towards me. And that is why I am about to start changing some things now so that when I do decide to do whatever it is that I want to do with my life, it will be a lot easier for my loved ones to digest.

Day, Afternoon, & Night Repost Coming soon

I was reading the part of Afternoon from 2 posts ago to a friend and she pointed out how poetic that portion was. So, I am currently trying to turn that into a poem. However, the poem is starting to morph into something else. My only dilemma, other than writing the poem itself, is trying to control the direction it flows, or just let it go where it goes. Will post the poem as soon as its complete. Knowing me, that may be tomorrow, next week, or possibly never. Let's hope its tomorrow or next week.

I'm a Thug! (in a way)

So I am talking about my self as a thug in reference to love. From my knowledge there is no correlation between thugs and love. Thugs are mainly people that do whatever is necessary to get to where they want to be financially and successfully not caring about anything or anyone else other than family. That's me. My grind/hustle is school. I go to school and make sure that I do everything possible to succeed in it so that I can secure the prosperous future that I wish for. Other than that and family, everything else is just entertainment. Now some may ask, what is wrong with that? More people should be like that and maybe so on so forth... Well yea it seems like a good motto unless you want more like me

I want to find love, however, I'm making it a little hard on myself. In order for me to fall in love, I need to give up my so called thug mentality to get what I want, but it's hard. I am guarded for no damn reason at all other than I don't want to get hurt and end up like all the hurt, bitter, shattered people around me. When you see so many people go through so much drama and trauma behind love, you tend to tread carefully when dating. That's all find and dandy til you get to where I am now trying to figure out if I should open up or stick to my thug ways.

So here I am, little miss too-scared-to-be-hurt-but-really-wants-to-find-love sitting here wondering how do I just let go and let Ms. Love work her magic. I really need to start believing in faith and all that mystical, magical stuff that supposedly helps God help us not to make bad decisions. Its all a part of that you never know until you try theory of thinking, but again I'm a thug and don't believe in failure and love is just too risky. So, hopefully I will develop that theory of thinking sooner rather than later because I'd rather be hurt temporarily by love than permanently by loneliness.

Day, Afternoon, & Night

So, I have recently been talking to two lovely young gentlemen that have been holding my interest in 2009. I like both of them equally and have recently been referring to them as Day and Night for that is what they are; complete opposites of each other in every way but being male.

Day:
Day is light bright, unstable, and lights up my life. He is handsome and very freaky. I never take anything that Day says seriously. I basically like him because he is freaky, makes me feel wanted by someone, and makes my day everyday. However, at this present time, being with Day would not be a good idea. He is unstable and very much dependent on his parents. He is also clingy and too very uncontrollable. And overall, I think he would cause me more pain than joy. Yet I couldn't dare stop talking to him, I feel I need him. Why do I need him? Because he sends sparks through me that no one else has before. He pulls on my strings and I like it.

Night:
Night is a sexy chocolate, stable, young gentleman that constantly confuses me. He is sophisticated and reserved like me and is an obvious go-getter too. I see tons of potential with Night and would love to try a relationship with him, but being with him would mean giving up Day. Night seems sure of what he wants from me and I have a feeling that if he does not get it soon, he will leave me, and that is not a reference to sex at all. He told me today that he "can't go further with someone if I can't know them on a deeper level." Now this was referring to me sharing my thoughts about how I feel about him. This is hard for me.

So here I am, Afternoon, stuck between Day and Night. I guess this is the part where I describe me.

Afternoon:
I, Afternoon, is completely confused. I am not as bright as the Day but love the shine that the Day leaves behind for me. And on the other hand, Night provokes thoughts that are absent with Day, and wants me to do what I find hardest; sharing those thoughts. There is something in me (fear) that does not want/allow me to open up to either Day or Night in the way that they both want from me. I, Afternoon, is trying to hold on to my separation from the two rather than blending into them and letting it all flow. Then again, allowing Day to flow into me and me flow into Night could get complicated. So then what do I do? Do I choose the happy feeling of Day and hope that it will be enough to sustain me, or live completely in the Night where confusion is more common but happiness visits often?

Even though all my confusion involves these two fellas, it is all me. I need to decide whether I will open up and risk someone actually knowing me or staying in my confined little box by my got damn self.

I should be ashamed of myself...smh

My goal at the start of this year/blog was to constantly allow my creativity to flow through posting blogs every week or at least once a month. I failed. I haven't posted a blog since April and here it is 50 minutes til July. I would say I've been busy but that's a lie. The closest I was to busy was reading the Twilight Series while not doing summer school work. So, to be a good girl and get back on track, I will try to start (again) posting a blog every week. So starting tomorrow, I will post a blog about some lovely/lonely part of my life to clear my mind, heart, and spirit.