I'm a Thug! (in a way)

So I am talking about my self as a thug in reference to love. From my knowledge there is no correlation between thugs and love. Thugs are mainly people that do whatever is necessary to get to where they want to be financially and successfully not caring about anything or anyone else other than family. That's me. My grind/hustle is school. I go to school and make sure that I do everything possible to succeed in it so that I can secure the prosperous future that I wish for. Other than that and family, everything else is just entertainment. Now some may ask, what is wrong with that? More people should be like that and maybe so on so forth... Well yea it seems like a good motto unless you want more like me

I want to find love, however, I'm making it a little hard on myself. In order for me to fall in love, I need to give up my so called thug mentality to get what I want, but it's hard. I am guarded for no damn reason at all other than I don't want to get hurt and end up like all the hurt, bitter, shattered people around me. When you see so many people go through so much drama and trauma behind love, you tend to tread carefully when dating. That's all find and dandy til you get to where I am now trying to figure out if I should open up or stick to my thug ways.

So here I am, little miss too-scared-to-be-hurt-but-really-wants-to-find-love sitting here wondering how do I just let go and let Ms. Love work her magic. I really need to start believing in faith and all that mystical, magical stuff that supposedly helps God help us not to make bad decisions. Its all a part of that you never know until you try theory of thinking, but again I'm a thug and don't believe in failure and love is just too risky. So, hopefully I will develop that theory of thinking sooner rather than later because I'd rather be hurt temporarily by love than permanently by loneliness.

Day, Afternoon, & Night

So, I have recently been talking to two lovely young gentlemen that have been holding my interest in 2009. I like both of them equally and have recently been referring to them as Day and Night for that is what they are; complete opposites of each other in every way but being male.

Day:
Day is light bright, unstable, and lights up my life. He is handsome and very freaky. I never take anything that Day says seriously. I basically like him because he is freaky, makes me feel wanted by someone, and makes my day everyday. However, at this present time, being with Day would not be a good idea. He is unstable and very much dependent on his parents. He is also clingy and too very uncontrollable. And overall, I think he would cause me more pain than joy. Yet I couldn't dare stop talking to him, I feel I need him. Why do I need him? Because he sends sparks through me that no one else has before. He pulls on my strings and I like it.

Night:
Night is a sexy chocolate, stable, young gentleman that constantly confuses me. He is sophisticated and reserved like me and is an obvious go-getter too. I see tons of potential with Night and would love to try a relationship with him, but being with him would mean giving up Day. Night seems sure of what he wants from me and I have a feeling that if he does not get it soon, he will leave me, and that is not a reference to sex at all. He told me today that he "can't go further with someone if I can't know them on a deeper level." Now this was referring to me sharing my thoughts about how I feel about him. This is hard for me.

So here I am, Afternoon, stuck between Day and Night. I guess this is the part where I describe me.

Afternoon:
I, Afternoon, is completely confused. I am not as bright as the Day but love the shine that the Day leaves behind for me. And on the other hand, Night provokes thoughts that are absent with Day, and wants me to do what I find hardest; sharing those thoughts. There is something in me (fear) that does not want/allow me to open up to either Day or Night in the way that they both want from me. I, Afternoon, is trying to hold on to my separation from the two rather than blending into them and letting it all flow. Then again, allowing Day to flow into me and me flow into Night could get complicated. So then what do I do? Do I choose the happy feeling of Day and hope that it will be enough to sustain me, or live completely in the Night where confusion is more common but happiness visits often?

Even though all my confusion involves these two fellas, it is all me. I need to decide whether I will open up and risk someone actually knowing me or staying in my confined little box by my got damn self.

I should be ashamed of myself...smh

My goal at the start of this year/blog was to constantly allow my creativity to flow through posting blogs every week or at least once a month. I failed. I haven't posted a blog since April and here it is 50 minutes til July. I would say I've been busy but that's a lie. The closest I was to busy was reading the Twilight Series while not doing summer school work. So, to be a good girl and get back on track, I will try to start (again) posting a blog every week. So starting tomorrow, I will post a blog about some lovely/lonely part of my life to clear my mind, heart, and spirit.

Book Review Time

I haven't had a lot of time to sit and write individual book reviews so here is one small review in one and the past couple of books I've read.

The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao - Junot Diaz - Loved it. It's a interesting story about A Dominican Republican sci-fi nerd, his family, and the curse that haunts them. A must read!!! A

The Mill on the Floss - George Elliot - eh! It's a classic Brit novel but kinda hard to get into but sort worth the read in the end. B-

Tess of D'Ubervilles - Thomas Hardy - Classic must read Brit fiction novel. Loved it! A

Ten Little Indians - Sherman Alexie - eh! Short stories, pretty funny tho C

Interpreter of Maladies - Jhumpa Lahiri - eh! Short stories, nothing special. C

And Another One

Here's another old school poem of mine...this one was actually pretty good and quite relevant to how I feel about someone now.

"Wishing You Were Here"

awoke at night
wishing you were here
thinking of
the protective feel of your body against mine
I feel safe
The smooth touch of your hands
caress my body ever so gently
The warmth of your breathe
heats my body to the core
The alluring look in your eyes
draw me into your soul
The comfort of your voice
lets me know everything is okay
The poetic feel of your words
lets me know you'll forever be mine.

written February 23, 2005

Extended Metaphor

This is a poem I wrote back in my Sophomore year of high school that I recently found. Oh the memories!

My mind, body, heart, and spirit are like a poem
The first stanza lets you into my mind
It lays out my thoughts
describing how I think about the things happening around me

The second is my eyes
In these lines you explore my past
You see my life in the present
You view my future

The third is my mouth
It speaks the truth
yet at the same time tells you what you want to hear

The fourth is my heart
It opens up to you my feelings
Explains to you what I've wanted you to understand for so long

The last stanza is my spirit
It lets you read about the trails and tribulations of my life
It ends the poem in remembrance of my achievement
rather than my failures.

Reading this now...I think I was ok. I believed I have improved some since then, but I'm no where near where I want to be.

Poems, Thoughts, Emotions....they're all the same

Lonely Me

Lonely me, missing you, wanting you to hold me, console me
Lonely me, waiting for you, to find me, define me
Lonely me, thinking of you, invisible you and
the things you would do, would say, would convey
Lonely me, wishing for you to come to me and tell me that you love me and need me

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
me and him
a black and mild
some smoke and alcohol

me and him
long walks and conversations
sparks and temptations

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
I don't trust myself when I'm with you
It's just the things I allow myself to do
Things that should not occur between us two
but I want to
and that's what makes it so hard
cause I've had a taste of the things you can do
and I want you

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
my lips miss your kiss
my body miss your touch
my ears miss your words
my heart miss you so much

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
I Pray Before I See You

because I know you could talk me out my panties,
and you believe that sex is just like candy,
so deliciously sweet
and your favorite treat

because you know exactly what to say
to make me stay
in a position of trust
mixed with a large amount of lust

because your hands feel so good
as they roam over my body
but then I begin to hear everyone say:
Stop
Wait
Save it all for marriage
and I want to

So, I pray before I see you
because I don't want you to know exactly what to say to talk me out of my panties so I won't find myself in a position of trust mixed with lust that was sparked by your touch.